Wrapped in the loving arms of the tall, strong, disheveled blonde man, I was filled with happiness. It was ten days before Christmas in 2007 and anyone who witnessed our tender embrace would probably assume two things. That we had an exclusive relationship and slept together.
While the latter assumption was absolutely true, the former was definitely not the case.
I'm not proud to say this now, but the man I hugged was Gordon Ramsay, who was then as now very much married to Tana Ramsay, the mother of his then four children.
I was in my mid-30s, living in Los Angeles, and Gordon was in town filming his TV series Hell's Kitchen. On this particular visit in December, the chef, with whom I had been in a relationship for seven years, gave me a Christmas present.
He had flown in from Atlantic City and we met at a celebrity hotspot in LA and stayed in one of the luxurious bungalows. The next morning there was a comfortable familiarity between us.
Wrapped in the loving arms of the tall, strong, disheveled blonde man, I was filled with happiness. It was ten days before Christmas in 2007 and anyone who witnessed our tender embrace would probably assume two things
I'm not proud to say this now, but the man I hugged was Gordon Ramsay, who was then as now very much married to Tana Ramsay, the mother of his then four children
I snuck (incognito) past his driver and told myself it was all in good fun, spontaneous and exciting.
At 37 years old, our relationship was the longest, albeit unwise, relationship I've ever had with a man (and, in fact, is still the longest relationship I've ever had). But the passion I felt was accompanied by feelings of acute loneliness. I had spent the last six days of Christmas alone, never waking up on Christmas morning to find myself lying next to the man I had fallen in love with, and now here I was again. Alone.
Christmas is terribly sad when you're with a married man. No matter how much you think they care about you, it is their woman that they always come back to on this most magical day of the year.
And the problem with those agonizingly long 24 hours is that you inevitably end up with too much time to think. The words from John Lennon's Happy But wait for a man who is completely satisfied with his fate. Eating his (Christmas) cake and eating it.
Gordon Ramsay attends the FOX Winter Junket 2023 in Los Angeles on December 13, 2023
That Christmas, all alone in Los Angeles, time slowed to a near standstill. My friends had left the city with their loved ones and little ones to make valuable memories with their families. Everyone always invites you over, but who wants to be a spare tire on Christmas Day?
Plus, seeing couples together would only emphasize what I didn't have: a faithful and committed man who loved me and wanted to be with me. Christmas is about spending time with the people you love – an idea I've been reminded of this year.
There were limited hours throughout the day when I could reminisce about the secret nights Gordon and I had spent together in various fancy hotels in Los Angeles and London.
Too much time to think about it meant that it was clear to me that no matter how many hotel meetings we had, there would never be any question of a future.
As I ate a meal for one, drank a glass of Chardonnay and opened a gift my parents had sent me from the UK while watching reruns of Sex And The City on TV, I knew I was kidding myself If I had thought that next year everything would be different.
I kept my phone handy and jumped when it rang, but he didn't call me on Christmas Day itself, as he hadn't done six years before. As the day went on, many emotions flowed through me – sadness, emptiness and anger.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I regularly googled “Gordon” to see where he was. Yes, I kept an eye on him – what mistress doesn’t? I would religiously follow the gossip columnists and bloggers to see where he was seen (and with whom), and if he was on a TV show, I would make damn sure I saw it. So at least I had something to talk about next time. Of course, falling down the Gordon rabbit hole for hours (and hours) only ended up making me feel worse.
I was living a lifestyle that I thought I wanted. I was working with a Hollywood production company on ideas for a television format and was dating a man who made my heart beat faster, even though he was married. I wanted a life for us – as “we” – and yet the reality was that I was only given crumbs, glimpses of what that life could be.
Every now and then I decided to put my laptop away because no good could come from focusing on what I didn't have. I vowed to never spend Christmas alone again. Even if that meant I would only drink crackers with my parents in Wales.
During our on/off relationship, Gordon never asked me what I was doing at Christmas. And I never told him how terrible that day always was.
Gordon Ramsay at the “Next Level Chef” launch party in January 2023
Instead, when he called a few days later, I reverted to my bright, happy personality and joked about when we would next see each other.
Gordon and I met in the winter of 2001. I was 31 years old and working in sales for an events and limousine company in the Belgravia area of London. Gordon was 36 years old and a household name thanks to Boiling Point, an ITV series documenting the opening of his first flagship restaurant. Back then I was a cheerful girl who invested my earnings in renting a centrally located apartment. Nothing happened that night, but he asked for my number and I happily gave it to him. I was attracted to him and thought, since I'm not seeing anyone, why not?
A few dates later I couldn't get enough of him. In the first few years, the appeal of spending time with him outweighed the negative aspects. I idolized Gordon and would have done anything for him. I really liked him and I believed the feeling was mutual.
While I was “seeing” Gordon and struggling with being the other woman, I decided to start a support group called Mistresses Anonymous. I ended up running it for a decade.
I was flooded with women wanting to sign up and chat with each other. While I primarily offered online support, I also organized some in-person group meetings in Los Angeles and Canada, where I eventually created and hosted a self-help reality TV series at age 42. From a “professional” perspective, I know for a fact that it has been a vital lifeline for other women in the same boat as me, and from a personal perspective, I would tell myself that at least I’m not alone.
At best it was a diversionary tactic; At worst, it reminded me what an idiot I was to put my heart and my happiness in the hands of a married man. I gave the other members the exact advice I couldn't follow myself: Get out of the relationship now, you deserve better.
It's no surprise that the support group's busiest day was Christmas Day, when I was the wing woman for loved ones who found themselves in desperate straits. It came up again and again that every mistress wants her married man to be with them on Christmas Day. Many of the women who came forward had given ultimatums or increased pressure.
Gordon Ramsay in the two-hour season finale of Hell's Kitchen
The men had often been forced to sneak out to see her or make it up to her with an expensive gift. But it was never enough.
And I knew exactly what they were going through.
Every Christmas I was abandoned. For 48 hours my phone stayed silent as if I didn't exist. I didn't buy Gordon any presents, but that was because he couldn't take them home. And while Gordon and I sometimes talked during the Christmas season, waiting for the phone to ring was torture.
As time went on I became quite frustrated with the situation I found myself in. But then he called and I was happy and cheerful. I was always available when I was needed, which was actually a bit pathetic. And that's exactly what I was – someone who massaged his ego and took care of his needs. Understandably, my self-esteem plummeted.
Last Christmas in California gave me a lot of time to think. I had spent most of my 30s living a lifestyle I wanted, but in reality I had wasted the best years of my life. In the middle of my affair with Gordon, I couldn't help but look at other women my age who were settled down, with husbands and families. While I don't think I ever wanted children, I would have enjoyed a more settled lifestyle.
And I dreamed of doing the normal things people do in relationships: meeting friends and family, sharing a home, running around John Lewis measuring dishes or curtains – even arguing loudly with each other in the street – all things that I never could have done that.
I stopped seeing Gordon in 2008 when our seven-year affair became public after the News of the World ran an article about us. I was 38, finally older and wiser. He denied what we had back then and tried to cut me out of his life. Looking back gave me the time to understand this.
Today I am 53 and very happily single. The loves of my life are furry and have four paws. They are my rescue dogs Benji, Charlotte and Tiny. I live in my family home, enjoy village life with my loving, elderly parents and Christmas is now the time to appreciate my blessings. I focus on what I have and not what I don't have.
I don't need a man in my life, but if I were to meet someone, I would make sure he wasn't married. I would never have an affair again; Take it from me, nothing good can come of it.