As a child, you probably pouted about it or said a perfunctory “thank you” before tearing up your next gift. But as an adult, you have a responsibility to accept gifts with grace and class, says Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Texas.
“You thank them for their effort. You don’t thank them for the gift,” she says. “The gift is secondary. It’s the thought, the effort and the love that count.”
Here's what to do if you receive a gift that isn't necessarily the right one.
You tore off the paper, opened the box and – surprise! – It is something that is not right. Smiling and saying “thank you” is part of basic etiquette, but is it okay to say anything else?
“It depends on your relationship with that person. It depends on their temperament,” Gottsman says. “You have to read the room.”
If it's someone you don't know very well, a sincere “thank you” will suffice. If someone you know well gave you the wrong thing, it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask if an exchange would be possible.
“For example, if it's the shirt that doesn't fit, you might say, 'Oh my God, that's beautiful. But I have to tell you – would you mind if I swapped it out for the right size?'”
Sometimes an exchange is out of the question. You got something you just don't want.
When you get home, your first step is to write a thank you card, says Gottsman. “You appreciate them thinking of you during the holiday season,” she says. “You don't have to lie, but you can thank them for their efforts and mention the gift.”
After that, the rules of etiquette dictate that you can do whatever you want with the gift. That tea kettle your friend gave you may be nice, but if you're a coffee drinker, donating it to a charity is your prerogative, says Gottsman.
Your other option is to regift — a step that requires transparency and sensitivity, says Gottsman.
“If you re-gift it, you have to be honest and say, 'Listen, I received a tea kettle, and I know you love tea. I want you to have it if you think you could use it,'” Gottsman says.
To avoid hurting someone's feelings, make sure you don't re-gift anything within the same circle of friends, says Gottsman. You don't want the message to reach the original gift giver, whose feelings could be hurt.
“I always say: Regift in another city,” Gottsman says.
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