Once, in a cheap hotel in Paris, sleep was impossible because a woman in an adjoining room moaned in apparent ecstasy all night.
I say “probably” because — as fans of the Harry and Sally film will know — thanks to Meg Ryan’s loud simulation of an orgasm in a coffee shop, bedroom excitement can be easily faked.
According to findings released this week by University of Ottawa researchers, moaning is a poor indicator that a woman is genuinely experiencing sexual pleasure – so bad that they suspect it will be removed from the official orgasm rating scale altogether.
They’ve spoken to more than 600 women and say faster breathing, goosebumps, throbbing, sweating, tingling and flushed skin are much clearer signs the earth is moving.
Emma Thompson and Daryl McCormack in Good Luck, Leo Grande. Moaning is a poor indicator that a woman is genuinely experiencing sexual pleasure. More than 600 women say sweating and throbbing are much clearer signs
But this is hardly new news – at least for women. Even the Kama Sutra, which dates back to the 3rd century AD, contains instructions on how a woman should make sounds of appreciation.
Because yes, we know we don’t have to moan during sex. But a display of sighs and moans is very useful in the bedroom. After all, you need some sort of cue to tell your partner they’re hitting your sweet spot.
And it works both ways; Males also vocalize to indicate that their needs are being met. Volume and tone changes are used in a similar way to how people say “warm, warmer, very warm, boiling hot” on a treasure hunt. The closer you get to the treasure, the more enthusiastic the signalling.
You would only ignore these signposts to the big O if you didn’t care about the enjoyment of the other.
Evolutionary scientists have their own views on vocalization. Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha’s acclaimed book, Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, devotes an entire chapter to why women don’t remain silent during sex.
The authors pointed out that humans are not the only female primates who make a lot of noise during a sexual encounter.
A high-profile 61-year-old author and friend of mine is a lifelong defender of the time-honored art of faking an orgasm. She describes it as an “occasional, very practical practice” that she does when she’s feeling tired or not in the mood to make love
Zoologists have found that vocalizations can occur “before, during, or immediately after” primate mating. It appears to be a way the female of the species goads other males in the group.
From an evolutionary perspective, it’s a “call to copulate,” or to let other males know that a female is fertile and might enjoy a little rival attention – what Darwinists call “sperm wars.” It is in the female’s interest to attract the fittest male nearby so that all offspring are fine specimens.
There is also an evolutionary theory that when the child’s paternity is in doubt and multiple suspects could be the father, all males in the group will have an incentive to protect the female and her offspring.
Apparently, baboons’ “copulation vocalizations” are particularly complex, and the more monogamous the primate species, the less vocal the mating calls.
Problems can arise when an anxious woman insists on expressing every sign of pleasure when she actually feels none
Back in the human world, the theatrical moans that typify modern-day pornography—and by extension, mainstream television and cinema—means it’s no wonder women have learned to vocalize pleasure in near-automatic ways.
Conversely, a high-profile 61-year-old author, friend of mine, is a lifelong defender of the time-honored art of faking an orgasm.
She describes it as an “occasional, very practical practice” that she does when she’s feeling tired or not in the mood to make love.
She finds it “friendlier and more polite” to appear enthusiastic in such circumstances when erotic advances are being made, and then “bring the proceedings to a fairly quick conclusion with lots of encouraging noise.”
She’s not the first woman to state (and sexologists agree) that lots of pep talks hasten the human male to a crescendo – “and then everyone can go to sleep.” Perhaps one danger of this study is that it serves to expose those whiners who are also fakers.
If the orgasm gap is already skewed that much in favor of men—research shows that 95 percent of men report that they usually or always cum during sex, while this drops to 65 percent for straight women
But problems can arise when an anxious woman insists on expressing every sign of pleasure when she actually feels none.
I know a couple who have been together for 30 years — and married for 24 years — before the woman announced she never had an orgasm during their relationship.
What was almost impossible for the husband to accept – and what led to their rather inevitable divorce – was not that he could not please her, but the fact that she gave him every sign of sexual gratification, including throaty sounds, for three decades, instead of telling him the truth.
You can’t help but think how much uproar could have been avoided if they had confessed the situation sooner and asked her for advice to resolve the issue. My advice to women is that it is best to be honest about your pleasure otherwise you could be helping your lover develop unsatisfying habits.
When the orgasm gap is already skewed so badly in men’s favor — research shows that 95 percent of men report that they usually or always cum during sex, compared to just 65 percent of straight women — we have to say out loud what does actually at us.
It seems to me that this principle of honesty is perhaps even more important in short-term relationships because it’s always better to pass a man on to his next partner who is more skilled in the erotic arts. Don’t make him think he’s Casanova when he’s actually Mr. Bean.
Anyway, a life without sighs and moans is one without sexual cues — and God knows we all need a roadmap when we’re lost in the sexual desert.