Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Caroline: My wife recently cheated on me and it hurts. I can’t get the image out of my head. It feels like the worst conversation ever: “Hey, I really like you and want to be with you,” to which they reply, “Hey, I’d rather be with someone else.”
I feel like I should have a chance to have an affair of my own. I know that sounds ugly, but I miss the times when I thought she loves me as much as I love her — and I don’t know if that’s true anymore when I think there’s no one I can date wants to be together and she thinks, well, obviously not.
She says this would be the end of our relationship, so I feel stuck. And I can’t ask my family for advice because they don’t approve of my sexuality (which is a whole different issue). Please help.
Anonymous: I am sorry. What an awful feeling.
Infidelity is all you say—a slap in the face to you, an existential threat to your marriage, a mental image you never wanted and fear you never will shake—but it can also be more complicated than that. For example, she could theoretically love you as much as you love her — as far as we know, right? — and cheating, more than anything else, could be an expression of her own state of mind. I’m not saying this with certainty, and I’m not even defending it a bit, but infidelity can contain an element of self-destruction that’s often overlooked in the first big mess of hurt feelings.
Adding more chaos and hurt feelings by “taking your turn” hardly seems like the path to glory.
So please get some help to sort it all out – therapy if you have access to it. Find someone to help take care of you.
You’re not stuck and you’re never stuck — you can leave, you can stay as a choice, you can put off any decisions until your emotions settle, but whatever you decide, it’s your decision alone.
Caroline: Thanks for acknowledging my feelings and yes, therapy is on the to-do list. I want to stay because we are having a great time together, but it feels hard when I don’t get a chance to explore an affair too? To make sure we feel the same? To reassure myself that I’m fine and that I’ll find someone else if things end one day, what’s something I’ve never thought of before?
Again anonymous: Then separate and date. Be brave. Don’t do what undoes all things.
And archive those when you’re ready to start thinking about it. If things end one day, is “find someone else” the only way you’ll be okay?
And is dating another person the only way you can see how you’re feeling? And even if you’re having an affair and you realize how you’re feeling, how will you know if it’s like your wife?
And is “a great time together” reason enough to stay married? Is she the only “great time” source? Even now, after the affair? Are “single” and “happy” mutually exclusive for you?
I understand that a series of questions in battery form can seem aggressive. Please note that I’m writing all of this as more of a series of prompts if you’re ready. Your thinking seems (understandably) ruffled at the moment, so I urge you not to take any big steps or decisions until your emotions have calmed down a bit.