Dear Jane,
It's been a very difficult few years for me and my husband – we both lost our jobs, had little savings to fall back on, and were really struggling to make ends meet.
We were forced to take out a second mortgage on our home and are now completely behind on our monthly payments.
My husband comes from a very wealthy family who made no secret of their dislike of me from the beginning of our relationship. So much so that my husband has practically banned her from his life because of her cruelty towards me.
I don't come from wealth or privilege, and I think they always felt like I was beneath them.
Dear Jane, My husband and I struggle for money—but I refuse to accept help from his wealthy family. He says I am stubborn but I don't want to go to them for alms
But now that we're in such a dire situation, my husband has suggested asking his parents for help several times – and I hate the thought. It feels like asking for charity reinforces all the terrible assumptions they've made about me and makes them feel like I'm bringing my husband down.
I know this seems heavy-handed, but I'm really standing by my decision here and it's causing serious problems between me and my husband, who thinks I'm letting “my ego get in the way of our financial survival.”
I was always raised to take care of myself and solve my own problems, but I don't want that mentality to destroy my marriage when, honestly, it's the only thing I think I have left in my life.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most pressing issues in her Dear Jane Agony Auntie column
Is there a way to get myself out of this mess without begging for money from his uptight family?
Out of,
Below and outside
Dear Down and Out,
Financial insecurity is a brutal cross. It's scary and destabilizing and I can only imagine your fear about the future.
I also remember the old parable about the man who climbed onto the roof during a flood and prayed to God to save him. A rowboat came and a man said, 'Jump in! I can save you!'
“No thanks,” the man said. “I pray to God and he will save me.”
Next came a motorboat and the same thing happened, and finally a helicopter came and threw down a ladder, but the man said no because he was waiting for God to save him.
He drowns, and when he gets to heaven he angrily asks God, 'What happened? I prayed to you and you didn't save me?'
God says, “What do you mean?” I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter…”
There are many benefits to being raised to become self-sufficient, but there are also pitfalls.
For women who are used to doing everything themselves, it can be extremely difficult to ask for help and be open to help when difficulties arise.
Opening yourself up to this possibility could be life-changing for you. It doesn't necessarily have to be a charity payment. In fact, I suggest that if his parents are willing and able to help you, you come up with a plan to pay them back.
This can help ease your discomfort when turning to them or other people for help.
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face if you are lucky enough to have people in the family who might just be able to ease your discomfort.
I wish you the best of luck.