In childhood and adolescence it seemed easy friendships. Finally, the areas of interest and the environments visited were practically the same. In adult life, however, things change a bit. It seems that the schedule is always filled with other commitments and there is never time to think about making new friends. It’s as if making those bonds after 30 years isn’t as easy as it seemed.
And there are several reasons for this feeling. Ana Paula Vedovato, psychologist at the Department of Psychology at the University of São Paulo (USP), explains that this difficulty is due to the greater resistance that life experience brings. “We’re less willing to open up to what we don’t know and we’re starting to prefer what we’re used to, and that won’t surprise us,” he says.
This movement, in her opinion, is the result of our experiences, but above all of the way we deal with it. “We are overwhelmed by our traumatic experiences and often we don’t even realize how much they affect us. That puts us in a defensive position visàvis the other,” he assesses. This resistance can determine the path each individual will take in the affective field and how open they will be to new connections.
Lack of selfawareness can also make it difficult. “When we meet new people, there is potential for friendships, but for that we have to get to know each other, know our tastes, know what’s good for us and where our limits lie,” he defends himself. According to the psychologist, recognizing your own interests is the first step in finding people who identify with them. Identification creates the bonds that form stronger friendships. “But not everyone knows each other like that,” he muses.
When the internet brings people together
Graphic designer Mariana Nóbrega, 37, knows these difficulties. “When you’re young, just liking the same band is enough to consider someone your friend. But as an adult you become more demanding and withdrawn,” he says. Despite this, she made new friends and saw that age is not an obstacle to making friends.
It was in a room clubhouse this social network that rocked in early 2021 that Mariana met her new friends. “When I entered the application, there was a room with a few people I only knew two of,” he says. The aim was for the participants to imitate billionaire gurus in the best Elon Musk manner. “They asked me to talk and I agreed,” he recalls. There were days full of laughs like she hadn’t had in a long time. “From this room they formed a WhatsApp group with some people. And I happened to be friends with them after 30 years,” he says.
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Mariana Nobrega, 37, at a meeting with friends she met on a social network in 2021. Photo: Taba Benedicto/Estadão
The meeting of this group, made up of 13 friends, took place just eight months after their virtual meeting. Before that, all conversations took place on social media. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a solid friendship. On the other hand. “We have an intimacy that has taken me years to build friendships with others. We go to each other’s houses, we go out to eat, we go to bars. Now it’s a real friendship,” he says.
What changes after 30?
According to Ana Lúcia Pandini, psychologist and professor at the Universidade Presbiteriana Mackenzie, in addition to individual changes, there are also changes in relationships after the age of 30. For example, the idea that everything is forever ceases to be an absolute truth in adult life.
And that was something Mariana noticed. “We’re learning that nothing is forever and that nothing is as intense as when you were young,” she says, who is now less concerned with the need to have friendships that last a lifetime. “As long as it’s legal for both parties, let it be. If not, I have no problem completing a cycle, even if it’s not easy.”
The psychologist attributes this to the understanding that maturity can bring that the end of a friendship is a normal process of human relationships. After 30, it can be easier to understand that people change and friendships change with them. And those relationships that used to make sense may no longer do.
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The types of friendships and how they are formed will also change. During the childhood and adolescence, friendships have a fusion trait and are usually formed by the presence of similar traits. “Children, for example, don’t see differences, but identify themselves through playing together,” he explains.
Friendship between teenagers usually works by tribes. “They cluster among people who listen to the same kind of music, go to the same parties, wear the same clothes. It’s important for teenagers to be different from their parents, but friends are all very similar,” he says. But after the age of 30, Ana Lúcia believes that the quality of friendships changes. “They’re changing for the better because they’re not friendships anymore in this fusion model, where people have to be equals to become friends,” he says.
Friends may even have different lifestyles, but they share similar individual values. It’s as if in adult life, sharing the same values is more important than the same tastes. “The adult friendships are usually the ones with more freedom, autonomy, and more new things in life,” he says.
Even friendships born in childhood or in youth They have to go through this transformation process in which they understand that it is possible to have a relationship with differences between people. Therefore, the difference that may have disturbed a friendship in youth is usually not a problem in adult life, even if similarities are still essential for strong bonds.
That wasn’t a problem for Lola Ribera either, who at the age of 54 decided it was time to make new friends. However, the decision was made after some resistance. “It seemed difficult to integrate new friends into my life after 50. I’ve had a whole life, I’ve built a family,” he says. But the feeling of being alone in the world made her change her mind.
“I was 50 years old, feeling very alone and with few friends,” she recalls, who decided to make new friends through cycling, a sport she already practiced. “I started looking for cyclist groups on Facebook, I found one and put my face on,” he says. Thanks to the group that she saw her circle of friends grow. “I made three great friends through cycling. These are people who have become a part of my life, even outside of cycling. They are people I have developed a loving relationship with.”
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Lola Ribera (C), 54, has made new friends through cycling. Photo: Werther Santana/Estadão
She sees numerous benefits in these new friendships. “You helped me out of my depression. Today we go together, drink beer, eat something, talk and laugh. It all gives me a very good feeling,” he explains.
In fact, friendships can add a lot to people’s lives. Ana Lúcia warns of the important role they play in mental health and wellbeing. “Friends act as a support network,” he says. “It’s a form of emotional support in times of need, but also practical support that can help with everyday tasks.”
Sharing life with friends also means a sense of protection. It is as if within friendship relationships it is possible to create an environment of safety and trust that facilitates the formation of bonds. The psychologist believes that the lack of this sense of security makes it difficult for some people to form such strong bonds with family members. “That’s why we say that friends are the family we choose.”
In addition, friends also provide moments of leisure and fun, and allow for greater selfknowledge of individuals. Ana Lúcia explains that friendship in this sense is a twoway street. “The other person can be a role model for aspects of your personality that you have yet to develop, and you can be a role model for qualities that the other person needs to develop as well.”
How to be more open to new friendships?
Elaine Vasconcelos, 74, was open to new friendships. And he decided to do this by traveling the world. She collects a few passports and lots of stamps from different countries, but the most important thing, she says, are the friendships she made during those experiences. Isabel Penteado is one of them. “I met her on a trip to Atacama and then we did other trips together. The last was for Armenia. We talk every day and I have a lot of affection for her,” he says.
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She also met Paulo and Rosana, a couple of friends she met on her trip to Vietnam. “We went on many trips together afterwards, most recently to Australia and New Zealand,” he recalls. And Elaine already has plans for next year: she is going to Holland with another friend, Selma, whom she also met on one of her many travels. “They are very dear people and very important friendships for me.”
The psychologist Ana Lúcia calls this “being cosmopolitan”. “It means keeping the will to discover new places, engage in different cultural activities and not give up free time. A person who isolates themselves from this is likely to have more difficulty making new friends,” he explains. This is an important avenue for those looking to make new friends after turning 30, but it’s not the only one. Check out other ways to make friends later in life.
- find people online “You can find groups on all sorts of topics on the Internet,” says the psychologist, guaranteeing that these groups have the power to build deep and true relationships between people. There are even apps for those who want to make new friends, like Slowly, which connects people from different countries.
- know yourself The psychologist argues that selfawareness is essential to building friendly relationships. “When you get to know yourself better, you get more clarity about who the people who enrich your life are,” explains Ana Lúcia. Even building friendships helps with selfawareness. “By observing the similarities and differences in a friendship, you get to know yourself and each other better.”
- Give colleagues a chance. The work environment tends to take up a large part of people’s everyday lives after the age of 30. It is possible to use the location to strengthen connections.
- Take up a few hobbies. You hobbies, especially done in a group, can help make new friends. This could be a painting group, a book club, or physical education class. The key is that they are activities that you enjoy doing. “In this process, you’re likely to find people with the same interests as you,” he explains.
- Avoid the fees. Making friends isn’t a competition, it’s a natural process that comes from recognizing similarities and accepting individualities. It is important to respect the time relationships develop.